What is a Mental Breakdown?

What really is a mental breakdown? You used to hear about people having them all the time back in the day. Having a medical background, I should know this, but it's really not a medical term. I know every abbreviation in the books, ORIF, NPO, AAA, CVA, yada yada, the list goes on. But I don't know what a mental breakdown is. I wonder, because I wonder if I am close to having one. Actually, Babe, too. I know the move and everything that is connected to a move and a new job is stressful, but that should be manageable. If you can believe it, we have more on our plate of stress than just the move that is getting us down. All of it together is affecting us and our family and somedays I just have to manually pull my feet out of bed and get them going.

Today has been a tough day. Everything is just mounting up. So, I am sure it happened for some reason I don't know, but as I was taking this cute picture of JLS, I dropped my dadgum camera and it broke. This is my tee-niny camera and I love it. I completely bent the lens. I took it straight to the camera lady and she is not sure if it is cost effective to fix it. On my way to the camera lady, I almost nailed Babe's truck...within millimeters, as I was backing out of my driveway. (thank goodness for the alarm in my car that beeps LOUDLY when I get too close to something. This would be its first official save!) And, as I type, my normally easy to put to sleep baby JLS is screaming at the top of his lungs after trying to rock him for 2 hours.

When does it end? I just refer to my verse on the left from James and know that God is in control and until I can do it without thinking about it, just keep manually pulling my feet out of bed. So, know that I am here, but until I can at least get this move out of the way and we can mark off one stressor, I might be a little detached. Unless I can't sleep and I just happen to write at 2am...which is very possible. As for the rest of it, you can just include our family in your prayers. Thanks! I need to go rock a baby.

Stocking Caps

So, I am still here. I am supposed to be packing boxes, but I just can't seem to put one foot in front of the other to do it. I used to be such a task master and so organized. Organized in the way that I had my sock drawer color coded Roy G. Biv (Red, Orange, Yellow....) when I was a little girl. I am a kid in the candy store when I go to the Container Store or even just down the organizer aisle at Target. I get excited about re-organizing the pantry or my closet...even the refrigerator. Not today. And not yesterday either. I am stuck.

So, I took the cute picture of JLS this morning as we were getting ready to head out the door for school. The part that makes it so cute is that even a week ago, JLS would throw a knock down, drag out fit if we came close to trying to put a hat on his head. However, his idol, older brother JBS, loves to wear a stocking cap and he wears it all the time. So, guess who wants to wear a stocking cap now? Inside or outside, JLS is wearing a hat....and he cries to get it! What a difference a little peer pressure makes...

It's Time

Yesterday was the last day of school for both boys. I new it was going to be hard (for me). JBS LOVES his teacher and his school and so do I. I dreaded picking him up and for just cause. When I arrived a little early to gather all his things, all the children were blowing JBS kisses and saying "Good-bye". My heart melted when his teacher came out and said she almost cried because the kids sang JBS a "Good-bye" song and on their own, each child gave JBS a hug. They made him this cute sign and each child put a sticker on it. It broke my heart. Mostly, because he doesn't really get it. He has no clue as to why he was getting so much attention....but he likes it! It was so hard to leave...Then, we picked up JLS. While we love JLS's teacher and school, it was a little easier leaving because he hasn't really developed any bond with a specific teacher. However, they had made him this wonderful book of his pictures up to now. It was amazing.So, the time has come to fight the tears and try desperately not to say "Good-bye", but "See ya later." sniff sniff. I can't take it.

I Got a Cool New Header!

I am so excited! I finally have a cool title to my blog! Do you like my new header? A very old and dear family friend of mine (so old that I used to babysit him and now he is married with a child--yikes!) and his wife have started their own business of making blog headers. I just love how they incorporated my "Home on the Range" with a double meaning. I love it. I have always wanted something creative up there, but I never knew how to go about it. Plus, I still haven't recovered from the pain of re-writing the template to get 3 columns on my blog. That still gets me itchy and wanting to break out in hives. Funny I should say that, as I HAVE acquired hives in the last weeks to add to my stress of moving on top of the stomach spasms and cracked teeth. I just love how my body handles stress! :) Where's my cane?

So, I must put a plug in for my wonderful friends, David and Alli Penuel at Loudmouth Logos. They were so great and fun to work with. They listened to what I wanted and used their creative heads to pull it all together! If you were thinking you might want a catchy header, I would highly recommend them and suggest you go check out their website...now! They will customize, like they did for me, or you can choose from some of their great pre-designed headers as well. It was also very inexpensive. So, go check 'em out! http://www.loudmouthlogos.com/

Sneak Peek

Well, I haven't been so good with pictures lately, so I will give you a sneak peek at our Christmas card pictures. In the past, I have stood firm on the fact that I want Christmas cards that include pictures to include the WHOLE family. I want to see my friends, not just their children. For many friends, this is the only way we keep in touch and I love to see their pictures. For the first time, I will be going against everything I have stood for in the past. We could not get 2 kiddos to look at the camera at the same time, let alone 4 of us. I was either wrestling JLS or Babe was saying "No!" or "Come here!" in the pictures. One or the other of my perfectly mannered boys was sliding on their belly down our short hill or sticking their chubby fingers in the dirt and rubbing it on the other, or just hiding behind the bushes. Of 50 plus pictures taken, not one was "perfect". So, this year, it will be just the boys and with that, only JBS is looking at the camera. This too shall pass. Someday my boys will be big and obedient and smile for the camera all together and I will wish they were still crazy little kids that got grass stains on their nice clothes while taking the family picture. So, here is a taste of the family photo op. Thank goodness Paulie (who is creating my cards this year) is a graphic artist, as he has a lot of work to do for our 2007 Christmas card.

Thanksgiving Party

Today was the Thanksgiving program at JBS's school.
JBS was a pilgrim... They sang precious songs... And were altogether precious. Happy Thanksgiving!!

I Buried Joseph

I kept hearing from my good Catholic friends that I needed to bury Joseph face down in my back yard in order to sell my house. Babe and I were both a little hesitant about it because it felt so superstitious. In the midst of one of my days without sanity (those are happening more and more often), I stopped in the Catholic bookstore and I found this. A complete package, including a plastic St. Joseph, to help sell my home. Someone has really capitalized on this. I felt better about it after I talked to the man at the bookstore and read the box. He emphasized that it has everything to do with prayer and faith. I did this about 2 or 3 weeks ago, so go to work Joseph! I have complete faith that God will sell this house in HIS perfect timing....it's just nice to have St. Joseph on your side!

School Pictures are IN!

JBS had his first official school picture this year. There was a spot for notes to the photographer, so I asked him to make sure JBS didn't squench his nose and eyes....like he always does. He did a good job...but you can tell he is trying really hard not to!

JBS is on the back row in the blue shirt...the tallest one. And, of course, he is doing his cute little scrunching of the nose and smiling. The little girl in the pink sweakter on the front row is his favorite friend. :) She might be taking the place of Miss Z. (say it isn't so!!)

Meet Me in St. Louey

My decision to apply to graduate school in St. Louis was made so quickly and so easily. I don't think I ever really thought it through, as I never really thought I would be accepted to the program. I left TCU after my junior year to enter a 3-2 program at Washington University in Occupational Therapy. I held out until the last possible moment to leave. I was at TCU one day living the college life surrounded by all my friends and started my first day in St. Louis the very next morning. It felt tragic at the time. I was having the time of my life in Ft. Worth and overnight I was thrust in to a very competitive program, far from home and I didn't know a soul. Each time I would talk to my friends at TCU, they were living their senior year with ease, calling me as they were headed to a party and out with friends...I was always headed to the library. The first month or so was rough. I cried every night as I layed on the couch of my high rise apartment watching the airplanes circle the city to the airport. I will never forget listening repeatedly to the song from the "9 Months" soundtrack..."This is the Time of Your Life" (sniff sniff)

It sounds like I was miserable, and I was at night, but all the while I had made wonderful friends. I had friends from Chicago, New York, Indiana, Minnesota. For a girl from Texas/Oklahoma, this was quite a change. We had so much fun together, as we came from such different backgrounds. They had never heard of Chile con Queso or Frito Chili Pies, fried okra! (Are you kidding?) The funniest conversation I had was with my friend Becky. Somehow she brought up a flask and why in the world is there a curve in the side? Well, everyone knows its so it fits more comfortably around your leg when you stick it in your boot! I don't know which was funnier to her, the fact that people wore boots where I came from or that I (who didn't drink) was telling her how to use a flask properly.

I learned so much about myself while I was there. I learned to trust God...a lot. I made lifelong friends and, in hind sight, I know it was the best decision I made without knowing what in the world I was doing. God has a perfect plan for each of us. One that we often don't know how great it is until we look back months, even years later. After all, I would never have ended up in Tulsa (where I met and married Babe) for my internship if I hadn't left my perfect and comfortable life in Ft. Worth and gone to Wash U.

So, Houston, here we come...on a wing and a prayer.

Hans Wieman

I remember the day Mom and Dad and I went to St. Louis to try to find an apartment. We looked at so many buildings and every one of them was stagnant and depressing...until we found 4515 Lindell. It was in the heart of the Central West End (which my native friends weren't so comfortable with). The West End was right by Forest Park and had once been "THE" place to live. When I say "once", I mean when the World's Fair was in St. Louis. A long long time ago. Big, beautiful homes and museums were all built around the park to accomodate the fair. Then, St. Louis, like every other city, had a time when everyone ran to the suburbs for better schools and newer houses. When I was there, the West End was on the up and up. It had a very large gay community, and they were fixing it up very well. I LOVED IT. I walked to the grocery store, to the coffee shop, to the bank, to school, to the metro. I walked everywhere I could possibly need to go. I was 2 blocks from Barnes Hospital and Washington University Medical School, where I went to school. For the first time in my life, I was truly living the urban lifestyle. It was such a good feeling. I drank it up.

The building where I lived was so neat. "Neat" was a word my neighbor, Vinny, who was from Baaahston, thought was so unususal. My other neighbor, Fiona, slept days and worked nights in the ER as a surgery intern. Ron (pronounced Raahn because he was from Boston, too) was highly unusual. He lived on the first floor in what probably originated as a guest apartment. He was highly social and very affeminate. And he knew everything about St. Louis. So, being new to town and in need of a great hair cut, I asked Ron where I should go for a good stylist. This was my first mistake. He was so excited and went on and on about his "guy". He told me that some days he walked in and said he wanted to look like Harrison Ford and "BAM" he looked like Harrison Ford. Others, it was Kevin Costner. So, I got his number. I called "Hans Wieman" salon.

So, a few days later I was talking with the girls about going to get my hair cut and my sweet friend, Joy, asked where I was going. (She was from St. Louis, why didn't I ask her?) I told her Hans Wieman. She started laughing so hard she started to cry. I didn't get it. She asked me if I had ever seen their commercials. Of course, I hadn't and said I got their name from a friend. She said, "Penny, its a hair replacement salon!"

Needless to say, I cancelled my appointment immediately and scheduled with Joy's "girl" and I knew I was safe. And, yes, the very next day, I saw one of the "Hans Wieman Hair Replacement Center" commercials for the very first time...
I never admitted to Ron I cancelled. He kept asking me when I was going. I faked it long enough, he just stopped asking.

Say It Isn't So...

Praise the good Lord, the sale of Babe's trading floor finally closed this morning. We can move forward in confidence now that we will for sure be moving to Texas. Six months of the unknown and six months of stress in the making, but we can finally breathe with a bit of finality.

Did it Drop?

3 is so fun. Every stage I think is more fun and then I have JLS and think 1 is so fun all over again. Lately, however, JBS has really had some good conversation pieces. He is probably a little slow in this department, as it took him a long time to talk. But, the fun is starting now. I am noticing more and more that JBS is really learning how to reason....sometimes logically and sometimes not. Sometimes, it is quite literal.

When it rained, JBS used to always ask, "Why is it raining, Mommy?" and I always replied that God wanted to water our grass. Now, everytime it rains, he tells ME that God is watering our grass with confidence and authority.
A couple of weeks ago, we were getting ready to say our prayers and JBS wanted to pray for his friend, Miss Z. So, as I was praying, I said, "Thank you Lord for giving us friends..." He interrupted me and said, "Did God give us friends?" I said, "Yes." To which he responded, "But I don't want to drop!!" It took me a second to figure out what he meant, but it all made sense when he explained that if God dropped rain (ie rain drops) then he must drop friends, too. I tried to explain that everything God gives us doesn't necessarily drop from the sky, as I was cracking up inside.

So, this week, JBS has been tied to his Bible. It is so precious. He wants to "nuggle" with it. He falls asleep holding it and when he comes to my bed in the morning, he is holding it so we can read again. He tells me he doesn't want to let go of it so he won't lose it. We started talking more about the Bible and how it is God's word and that is how God speaks to us. I said, "God gave the Bible to us to learn about Him." To which, JBS's big blue eyes got even bigger and he said, "God did drop it?"

How precious it is to think like a child.
"I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me." Matthew 18:3-5

Probably For Sure with a Minor Issue

How convincing is that statement for whether or not the trading floor is going to close tomorrow? Oh, I am sorry. It was "for sure" it will close tomorrow, but "probably for sure with a minor issue" it will close Friday if it doesn't "for sure" close tomorrow. This is the highly verbose and persuasive business jargon we use these days...in reference to supposedly finite decisions that have been definite thrice before that affect every decision we make these days in our lives. What am I to do with this information? I will stuff it and continue with my half-packed, stressed-out, barely hanging-in-there, body-falling-apart WONDERFUL life. Despite it all. I do have a wonderful life and I am so grateful for that. I love my precious boys...all three of them, well, all four if you count Toley. I have a wonderful family. I have (mostly) good health, I am getting to see one last Fall with beautiful leaves in my yard. I love Fall. I will be home for Thanksgiving. I have wonderful friends who truly care about me and us. I love life. With all that is going on around us and the sympathy we draw from our friends for this comical moving adventure, we have so much to be thankful for. I choose to be grateful and happy.

He's Got Social Skills

Yesterday was my first ever Parent-Teacher Conference. I was so nervous and I admitted it to Mrs. Mecke when I arrived. We LOVE Mrs. Mecke and you always hope that your child's teacher loves your child as much as you do. I was nervous because JBS is my first child and this was my first time to sit down with another authority in his life and critique who he is.

She opened his file and as she was telling me all these wonderful things about JBS, tears came to my eyes. Tears of relief, for one. Relief that he wasn't the class bully, (even though he is at least 2 inches taller and probably 10 pounds heavier than the next tallest kid in his class) relief that he wasn't the class pill, relief that all the things that he could have been, he wasn't. Relief that all the things I pray for him are developing in his inner-most being. The important things, like kindness, thoughtfulness, leadership, confidence, friendliness, compassion. I was so proud of him as Mrs. Mecke moved through each category.
It's always fun to compare my sister's kids with mine. Not for competing purposes, but her kids are close to mine and I use them as a barometer for what is next in my life. Both of Vin's kids are extraordinary artists. I mean phenomenal. It's not like they are just good at drawing, they are truly gifted. So, the stage they are in is winning art contests and discovering their creativity at a very young age. They are quieter and content to work on their art.

Well, I don't think that stage is in the cards for us. While JBS has all the parts of a face, his artwork is a little sloppier.....than most everyone in his class. I asked Mrs. Mecke about it and she laughed. She said he just doesn't care about art. He doesn't say he won't do it, he is just more in to other things. She said JBS is the class leader. She said everyone wants to do what JBS is doing. They ask JBS what they are going to play on the playground every day. Each child answered the question "Who is your favorite friend to play with in the class?" She said that 95% of the class said JBS. (JBS's response was "the girls") Isn't that what every mother wants to hear? I am so proud of him, but so aware of the power that JBS may have or eventually have. That charisma, that leader that is developing in him can be used for incredible good or incredible bad. He has the ability to steer those around him without even knowing it.

Since JBS was still in my tummy, I have prayed (and many times tearfully) EVERY NIGHT for him to be a leader among his friends, to be a positive role model and mentor as he grows in his spiritual relationship with the Lord....as he grows in to a young man and adult. Praise the Lord for hearing my prayers, but I continue to pray fervently for that gift to be used always for the good of those around him and for that abundance of energy and fun to be channeled into the right places. I love that baby so much! He makes us so proud every day.

While all these things are rushing through my head and the pride, the fear, the joy, the worry...Babe says, "Maybe this means he will be an All-Star Baseball player."

WHAT??

Halloween

My precious "Darf" was so patient...thru all the screaming and crying and refusal by Yoda. He tried to console and comfort and help. But there was nothing that could make Yoda happy about being Yoda.

This is the best picture of the night of Yoda.

There was crying and screaming and kicking. Yoda just didn't understand that all Mommy wanted was ONE SINGLE PICTURE!!!!:)

In the end, we decided that JLS made a wonderful OB1 Kenobi.

No Yoda, but Ben Kenobi. Sometimes things just don't turn out how you plan, but they turn out.
Here we have Darth Vader, Jack Sparrow, Hannah Montana and Yoda/OB1...
Yes, everything did turn out, except for getting ONE SINGLE PICTURE of Yoda.